It's actually the worst if I could be frank with myself. I'm absolutely exhausted all the time as of late. My last blog post I was talking about things moving at a snails pace.. oh how things have changed. For better, for worse, for mostly better. It all makes me stronger anyway right? But dangit my bones ache and my hearts been heavy.
I started to feel again. That's pretty profound. It's great, it's scary.. I was numb and silent for so long. I'm still pretty guarded and closed but I've really come bounds and leaps from where I've been. This process of my awakening has truly been frightening and enlightening in so many ways. I should be writing things down. The thoughts I've been having. The things I've been told. So I don't forget, I always end up forgetting and it's only my loss. I want to remember this process and I want to remember where I've been so I never fall back.
I feel I'm at a really scary place right now. I'm fighting everything, I'm resisting everything and at the same time I'm loving everything and everyone and I'm trying to give my whole self. I'm at the precipice of committing myself fully and fighting for everything I've ever wanted with full a vengeance and confidence or slipping into a downward spiral of disappointment and mediocrity. I'm quite literally teetering back and forth on a hinge. I don't know where I'm going but the optimist in me is striving to push through. I just hope my optimism prevails because I know it's up against some filthy demons. It'd be so easy to give up, give in, let the demons win. I feel even more of a pressure because I'm always the one saying "Don't do what's easy" "You never grow if you always take whats easy."
Of course I could always continue my thoughts but I need to be up in 5 hours for school and I think I've gotten way too heavy for my liking for an online blog. Goodnight blogspot, love you long time.
In Harmony
Katelyn Rebecca
p.s. all my friends are on reading week but I still have school.
