I could really use a wish right now

It's currently thunderstorming here and it's beautiful, I love thunderstorms. I should be sleeping right now but I just had to blog about this moment.

I'm listening to Airplanes by B.o.B with Hayley Williams on the track on repeat & I just want to let the blogging world know that it's not every day a song like this comes along especially these days.

Within 20 seconds of listening to this song I knew I was going to fall in love with it and bought it on iTunes before I even finished listening to it.

It's got a bit of the 90's feel to it where rap and rock were starting to merge together and mesh.

This track is seriously so tight and has a real genuine feel to it. It feels like a song that was born out of true love for music and I don't mean to sound cliche about it, it's just got a real feel to it.

The feeling I have while listening to this song is like when I first fell in love with honest to goodness music. I really could go on for days about how awesome this song is but I'm sure you've heard it by now and know for yourself.

Anywho, just updating to talk about me listening to this song and the thunderstorm and how beautiful this moment is.

In harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

Goodnight.

Told you I'd be back soon

As if anyone reads this anyway, but that's what makes this so nice and calming. If by the off chance someone I know stumbles across this and reads my blog then they're choosing to get know me in a different way, a more personal way because lords knows I'm not the most open person. Instead of me trying to air out my thoughts and shove my opinions on people which I'll admit has probably been the purpose of some of my other blogs in the past.

I just got dropped off after a drive with Kash, and was debating between blogging or reading but since I figured I would just want to keep reading and never stop I should blog because we all know I'll eventually run out of things to talk about for the time being anyway.

So we all know, (we all meaning, everyone who knows anything about me) knows that I'm indubitably the black sheep of my family. This could be a bad thing like the black sheep turning into a crazy psycho killer or... a good thing. I think in this case it's a good thing for the most part, now don't get me wrong I like that I'm different and not normal, because I'd really dislike being like the herd. But it does get a little lonely, I've never felt like I fit in with anyone or anywhere except IMC and even then by my last year I felt out of place and if I think about it I always felt like the outsider who was in (if that makes ANY sense).

It's a weird feeling to feel constantly out of place, maybe a lot of you do. Actually I'm sure a lot of you feel that way especially when we're younger because we're trying to figure everything out. But my differences are noticeable to everyone around me, the way I carry myself, talk about things, think, everything just seems different than other people. It just makes me feel alone. I know there's more people like me out there I just wish I could find them and talk to them and maybe not feel so alone. I think that's one of the reasons I want to bounce outta here so badly, everyone just thinks I'm crazy or stupid for thinking such outlandish things.

I'm tired of getting laughed at for believing in the goodness of people, for thinking that people are capable of achieving their dreams if they truly want it, for reading books that challenge common society norms and talking about how fascinating I find theories or studied thoughts. I'd just like to find somewhere I'd be embraced or just accepted or taken seriously. When I talk of these crazy outlandish things I'm always trying to prove I'm not insane or stupid or open up someones mind. I don't want to do that, I want an open dialogue about the topics where I'm not looked down upon.

My friends, I love them to death but they just put up with my ramblings. Kind of don't really know what I'm talking about and pass it off as some kind of naivety or stupidity because they'd rather talk about TV shows or daily drama in their lives and although fascinating my mind just doesn't seem to care so much about these things compared to what occupies my mind most of the time. I'm quiet because I'm always thinking, I get so confused with all this information in my head it just leaves me trying to figure it all out. My heads a messy place, that's probably why I don't bother with drama so much I've got enough going on up there.

I'm such a mess and I hardly feel better for getting that all off my chest, maybe cuz there's more to say but maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. All I know at this moment is, I'd really like to find my intellectual soulmate so we could eat eachothers hearts out and so I could belong somewhere.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

Oh hey there, you're still here?

Well, well, well, it seems I came crawling back almost a year later.

I'll be honest I thought about deleting this blog many a time, but I didn't, I haven't and I won't.

I don't really know what to say, so much has gone on and yet nothing has happened.

I'm sure you know the feeling, and well if you haven't you will someday.

I got a tumblr, never used it then started using it all the time. I love tumblr, but I feel it's not a place for me to speak my mind just to reblog things I enjoy.

If you'd like to check it out HERE is the linky. Click away my friends.

So what's happened from my last update til now? I went to europe with one of my best friends, had a blast, came back bought a macbook. Never went back to my old job as a server and didn't work for awhile. Right now I'm just casually working at a doctors office, sounds like the life right?

Not really, I'd like to be working more but I've been putting it off because I'm just so lost. As I have been my entire life, how does one find direction? I know exactly what I want, I just don't know how to go about it and it's tearing me apart really. It's ruining me and wasting precious time. I'm so conflicted, teetering back and forth between making everyone else happy or getting some balls and following my dreams. And when I type it out like that I realize how ridiculous that seems, I should definitely just balls up and get out of town but somehow it's harder than that for me. It really bothers me.

I do feel on the edge of change though, I've been static for way too long like I've been preparing for what's coming next.

I do know that whatever does happen next, this whole feeling sorry for myself and self-loathing has to stop. I've been reading a lot lately, and it's like some sign, everywhere I go, everything I see or read is telling me to start believing I'm beautiful and worth it. Cheesy, cliche, yeah, but maybe there's some truth behind this. If I start believing maybe confidence will find me. No, it will, there's no maybe. Things are going to change.

But this has been long enough.

I shall be back sometime soon.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca