Hey dear old blog

How I love thee. I truly should be dreaming right now but instead I'm here writing my thoughts. Oh well, whats sleep deprivation anyway?

It's actually the worst if I could be frank with myself. I'm absolutely exhausted all the time as of late. My last blog post I was talking about things moving at a snails pace.. oh how things have changed. For better, for worse, for mostly better. It all makes me stronger anyway right? But dangit my bones ache and my hearts been heavy.

I started to feel again. That's pretty profound. It's great, it's scary.. I was numb and silent for so long. I'm still pretty guarded and closed but I've really come bounds and leaps from where I've been. This process of my awakening has truly been frightening and enlightening in so many ways. I should be writing things down. The thoughts I've been having. The things I've been told. So I don't forget, I always end up forgetting and it's only my loss. I want to remember this process and I want to remember where I've been so I never fall back.

I feel I'm at a really scary place right now. I'm fighting everything, I'm resisting everything and at the same time I'm loving everything and everyone and I'm trying to give my whole self. I'm at the precipice of committing myself fully and fighting for everything I've ever wanted with full a vengeance and confidence or slipping into a downward spiral of disappointment and mediocrity. I'm quite literally teetering back and forth on a hinge. I don't know where I'm going but the optimist in me is striving to push through. I just hope my optimism prevails because I know it's up against some filthy demons. It'd be so easy to give up, give in, let the demons win. I feel even more of a pressure because I'm always the one saying "Don't do what's easy" "You never grow if you always take whats easy."

Of course I could always continue my thoughts but I need to be up in 5 hours for school and I think I've gotten way too heavy for my liking for an online blog. Goodnight blogspot, love you long time.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

p.s. all my friends are on reading week but I still have school.

Lost soul?

At times, I get so lost and held up and held back. Even though I'm moving forward and doing the right things, it's just going too slow. I'm not using my full potential. Caught up in these silly things that don't even matter. Wasting my time. It feels awful, and it feels worse because I'm watching it happen.

I am the creator of my own destiny. And right now at this moment my destiny seems to be going in a sub par direction.

Why do I keep getting so lost, why can't I just stay focused?

Times are changing for me though. I'm grateful for that. I have direction and I am moving towards a goal even if at snails pace. But I know that who I am a year from now will be completely different and I'm excited to find out who I will be.

For once I'm excited for the future and I know for sure I will be better than I am.

I just hope I can continue to find my way when I get lost and stay on track.

In harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

Be your dream

Hey there,

Hope everyones swell.

I got that job I was wanting, I'll actually tell you more about it. I got hired onto the mobile team which I'll be honest I was nervous & not exactly stoked about but I was happy to be employed by somewhere I really have wanted to work for for awhile.

The first week was pretty hectic, not alot of training & I'll be honest I never really felt I was given great training mostly because my manager was in Calgary getting trained during my first week & a bit. Anyway after the training I was doing alright, by no means amazing. If anyone knows the first thing about me, I truly hate not being great at anything. You could say I'm somewhat of a perfectionist, so I started to loathe coming to work, unbeknownst to my coworkers or manager. Aside from the fact I wasn't that great at doing my job, I was also working full time at the office. I literally had two nights where I didn't work.. but with a social life that ='d no time for alone time, I'm a big fan of alone time. So I won't lie I wasn't the happiest person during the month of August but c'est le vie, life goes on. I'm grateful to just be employed.

Fast forward to today, I go into work, check the schedule & I'm only scheduled to work one day next week. I exclaim out loud about it with my manager right there & he says he wants to talk to me. Right away my mind went to "oh shit I'm getting fired" but I kept it together. Hah, how else would I have reacted anyway? Anyway he brings me into an office and I'm preparing myself to be told I've been let go because I've never been fired from somewhere before.

He tells me that we didn't make budget last month, he doesn't have enough daytime staff & too much evening staff so I'm like here it comes but then he tells me I seem like a good person with a good head on my shoulders then asked if it'd be alright if they just switched me departments. So I'm like YES & right away I'm happy because a)I didn't lose my job and b)I don't have to sell phones anymore. He says a couple more nice things about how they like me n stuff & wanna keep me on and I'm all sweeeeet then he gives me some deets on when that'll come into effect & all that jazz and that's the end of the story.

That took way too long, but in other news this weekend I start going to my choir rehearsals which I'm way stoked about. I'm excited to get my music and start singing and meet everyone. I'm nervous a bit too though, which at first I didn't think I was but as I near it I seem to be more nervous than I thought I'd be.

What I'm definitely more nervous about is school, the antici... pation is killing me. I don't start til end of October and that just seems like eons away from right now. Especially with seeing and hearing about everyone else going back to school right now. I'm just really excited to start learning and moving forward in my career.

In other news I've been watching lots of movies as always. I saw Machete, Going the Distance, Scott Pilgrim, The Last Exorcism, The Last Song and probably some more movies I'm forgetting the titles of. I've also been watching lots of Kenny vs. Spenny, my brother has seasons 1-5 and he borrowed them to me so that's whats been in my dvd player the last while.

Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to take my make-up off and watch some Kenny vs. Spenny before I go to bed.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

I've got some time on my hands.

I left my laundry til last minute so I'm staying up til I can toss the load into the dryer, thus I've got some time on my hands.

So I'll update ya'll reading (aka no one) on my life. I got into that choir I auditioned for and so did my friend. It starts in September so I'm super stoked for that and excited to be singing with my friend again. Though she's a First Sop and I'm a First Alto. I'm working full time now at the Doctors office due to unfortunate circumstances but it has been so good to my bank account. Next paycheck I'm going for a long overdue shopping spree. I shaved part of my head as you can see in the picture and I fucking love it. Years from now I will probably look back at pictures and be damn right embarrassed, but right now at this moment I couldn't be more pleased with the change. I also got into that film school I wanted to go to and I start that in October. And today I got a call for an interview at somewhere I'd love to work, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that job.

Things are pretty fucking good right now.

Here's to life looking up.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

I was dressed to the nines and sobbing

Well no, I wasn't dressed to the nines, but crying? I most certainly was. I was in my uniform or costume or whatever it may have been that particular saturday. But whatever I was in, I felt proud, I felt loved and most importantly I felt like I finally belonged and it wasn't because of what I was wearing or that special pin with my name on it.

If you've been well surely you know exactly what I'm talking about, that last day when you can't bear to leave your new found friends side for fear of never seeing them again and never feeling the way you do in that moment.

It's a shame you can't freeze moments and save them for a rainy day, if you could I'd have drawers filled with IMC nostalgia.

IMC, it really is a magical place as awfully cheesy as that sounds. Believe me though the cheese just gets worse from here on out.

It changed me and shaped me to the person I am today. The reason I can be who I am and believe in myself is because of that place. I'm more comfortable in my skin today than I would have been without IMC.

I'll get back to those saturdays though because I could keep you and myself here for hours writing about everything that IMC has done for me and everything thats happened there.

We arrive at camp on a sunday and from there on out you're in an intensive program all the time non-stop. Which might sound really intense I guess, and believe me at times it really was but you almost never notice because of all the fun you're having. Anyway after the week is through of working hard etc etc comes Saturday the showcase.

It's the end of the week, you and your new friends are about to leave to go back home after the showcase is done and then, that's it. It's over.

It doesn't seem like a long time especially to be talking about such strong feelings for the place and people, but what happens there can only be explained by experiencing it. You grow so attached so quickly to these perfect strangers from literally all over the world and at times you really just think to yourself I can't bear to think of my life without you anymore. You truly become changed by the brief presence of these new people in your life.

And when those saturdays come, it's an emotional rollercoaster. It's a celebration, it's wonderful, it's amazing, it's relieving, it's everything but it's also a goodbye. And in most cases you don't know if that goodbye is the last one because it certainly could be. And that's whats so heart wrenching about those saturdays.

And if I've counted right, out of my 5 years there, I've had 10 saturdays of celebrations, performances and goodbyes and I'm truly forever changed and lucky to have had those 10.

In harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

I could really use a wish right now

It's currently thunderstorming here and it's beautiful, I love thunderstorms. I should be sleeping right now but I just had to blog about this moment.

I'm listening to Airplanes by B.o.B with Hayley Williams on the track on repeat & I just want to let the blogging world know that it's not every day a song like this comes along especially these days.

Within 20 seconds of listening to this song I knew I was going to fall in love with it and bought it on iTunes before I even finished listening to it.

It's got a bit of the 90's feel to it where rap and rock were starting to merge together and mesh.

This track is seriously so tight and has a real genuine feel to it. It feels like a song that was born out of true love for music and I don't mean to sound cliche about it, it's just got a real feel to it.

The feeling I have while listening to this song is like when I first fell in love with honest to goodness music. I really could go on for days about how awesome this song is but I'm sure you've heard it by now and know for yourself.

Anywho, just updating to talk about me listening to this song and the thunderstorm and how beautiful this moment is.

In harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

Goodnight.

Told you I'd be back soon

As if anyone reads this anyway, but that's what makes this so nice and calming. If by the off chance someone I know stumbles across this and reads my blog then they're choosing to get know me in a different way, a more personal way because lords knows I'm not the most open person. Instead of me trying to air out my thoughts and shove my opinions on people which I'll admit has probably been the purpose of some of my other blogs in the past.

I just got dropped off after a drive with Kash, and was debating between blogging or reading but since I figured I would just want to keep reading and never stop I should blog because we all know I'll eventually run out of things to talk about for the time being anyway.

So we all know, (we all meaning, everyone who knows anything about me) knows that I'm indubitably the black sheep of my family. This could be a bad thing like the black sheep turning into a crazy psycho killer or... a good thing. I think in this case it's a good thing for the most part, now don't get me wrong I like that I'm different and not normal, because I'd really dislike being like the herd. But it does get a little lonely, I've never felt like I fit in with anyone or anywhere except IMC and even then by my last year I felt out of place and if I think about it I always felt like the outsider who was in (if that makes ANY sense).

It's a weird feeling to feel constantly out of place, maybe a lot of you do. Actually I'm sure a lot of you feel that way especially when we're younger because we're trying to figure everything out. But my differences are noticeable to everyone around me, the way I carry myself, talk about things, think, everything just seems different than other people. It just makes me feel alone. I know there's more people like me out there I just wish I could find them and talk to them and maybe not feel so alone. I think that's one of the reasons I want to bounce outta here so badly, everyone just thinks I'm crazy or stupid for thinking such outlandish things.

I'm tired of getting laughed at for believing in the goodness of people, for thinking that people are capable of achieving their dreams if they truly want it, for reading books that challenge common society norms and talking about how fascinating I find theories or studied thoughts. I'd just like to find somewhere I'd be embraced or just accepted or taken seriously. When I talk of these crazy outlandish things I'm always trying to prove I'm not insane or stupid or open up someones mind. I don't want to do that, I want an open dialogue about the topics where I'm not looked down upon.

My friends, I love them to death but they just put up with my ramblings. Kind of don't really know what I'm talking about and pass it off as some kind of naivety or stupidity because they'd rather talk about TV shows or daily drama in their lives and although fascinating my mind just doesn't seem to care so much about these things compared to what occupies my mind most of the time. I'm quiet because I'm always thinking, I get so confused with all this information in my head it just leaves me trying to figure it all out. My heads a messy place, that's probably why I don't bother with drama so much I've got enough going on up there.

I'm such a mess and I hardly feel better for getting that all off my chest, maybe cuz there's more to say but maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. All I know at this moment is, I'd really like to find my intellectual soulmate so we could eat eachothers hearts out and so I could belong somewhere.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

Oh hey there, you're still here?

Well, well, well, it seems I came crawling back almost a year later.

I'll be honest I thought about deleting this blog many a time, but I didn't, I haven't and I won't.

I don't really know what to say, so much has gone on and yet nothing has happened.

I'm sure you know the feeling, and well if you haven't you will someday.

I got a tumblr, never used it then started using it all the time. I love tumblr, but I feel it's not a place for me to speak my mind just to reblog things I enjoy.

If you'd like to check it out HERE is the linky. Click away my friends.

So what's happened from my last update til now? I went to europe with one of my best friends, had a blast, came back bought a macbook. Never went back to my old job as a server and didn't work for awhile. Right now I'm just casually working at a doctors office, sounds like the life right?

Not really, I'd like to be working more but I've been putting it off because I'm just so lost. As I have been my entire life, how does one find direction? I know exactly what I want, I just don't know how to go about it and it's tearing me apart really. It's ruining me and wasting precious time. I'm so conflicted, teetering back and forth between making everyone else happy or getting some balls and following my dreams. And when I type it out like that I realize how ridiculous that seems, I should definitely just balls up and get out of town but somehow it's harder than that for me. It really bothers me.

I do feel on the edge of change though, I've been static for way too long like I've been preparing for what's coming next.

I do know that whatever does happen next, this whole feeling sorry for myself and self-loathing has to stop. I've been reading a lot lately, and it's like some sign, everywhere I go, everything I see or read is telling me to start believing I'm beautiful and worth it. Cheesy, cliche, yeah, but maybe there's some truth behind this. If I start believing maybe confidence will find me. No, it will, there's no maybe. Things are going to change.

But this has been long enough.

I shall be back sometime soon.

In Harmony

Katelyn Rebecca

He's got my <3 tied in a knot and my stomach in a whirl

I'm listening to NeverShoutNever right now.
His songs want to make me fall in love and surely I am.
So I guess that's good.

So I have this huge file of fashion on my computer.
I decided I may share some of my lusts with you.
Most is pretty rockabilly inspired but today we're starting off hippie.

Quite fantastic if you ask me.

A blogger I'd like you to check out is Ruben, he's quite a talented artist and a beautiful soul.

In other news, my inspiration has been fleeting, but also has been popping up often so I really can't quite complain.
But if I keep striving to find it, it's bound to stick around.


Also, I think Im going to Jo Bros tonight?

In Harmony
Katelyn Rebecca

PSOTW

Me too.
But not always.
[picture via www.postsecret.com]

In harmony
Katelyn Rebecca

Summertime

Getting ready for folkfest, nervous and excited.
Europe is in less than a month.
Missing International Music Camp,
you know it's where I spent my summers for the past five years.

In Harmony
Katelyn Rebecca

Unstoppable

Pretty dang amazing. That crazy little guy started it all.
Now this is inpiration. :)

In Harmony
Katelyn Rebecca

WAIT, wait

Oh one more thing,
EVERYONE GO SEE THE HANGOVER RIGHT MEOW.
For cereal.
It's most definitely my new favourite movie, I may just have to go see it again soon.

In Harmony
Katelyn Rebecca

Baby you're a star

Today I went for A) some thai food and B) to my nieces play.
Both making me very happy.
Thai food more specifically green curry soup is THE best food in the world.
And watching my little niece perform was wonderful, every time I see her perform she gets so much better! I love her so much. :) She's so talented for her age and she'll only continue to grow.
Anywho just peeking in to be all heeeeey wassup?
And Im listening to some Schuyler Fisk so things are feeling calm and serene right now. It's beautiful.

In Harmony
Katelyn Rebecca

PSOTW

Just one I liked, nothing special.

Im bringing back the ol' PSOTW

[image from www.postsecret.com]